Friday, January 04, 2008

CULT TV BLOGGING: Star Maidens: "Nightmare Cannon"

Star Maidens' descent into utter, unswerving camp continues unabated with the third episode (by Eric Paice and directed by Wolfgang Starch), called "Nightmare Cannon." Hmmm. A show about dominating women and meek men; their sexual slaves. What might a "nightmare cannon" be? Let's find out.

Watching this installment of the 1970s Brit series, I have to admit, one can detect that the hard right shift towards comedy and shtick may actually be intentional. There's no other explanation for some of the dialogue and situations here.

"Nightmare Cannon" commences as Medusan refugees Shem and Adam - free in England - commandeer medieval Wessex castle and hide there (after freezing a kindly security guard they mistake for a Baron) to escape the clutches of their would-be captors and female overlords, Fulvia and Octavia.

Meanwhile, Earth scientist Liz Becker (Liza Harrow) and her German (and highly-excitable) assistant take advantage of the fact that the Medusans left the door to their advanced spaceship, Nemesis, wide-open. Oopsy. The Earthers sneak aboard, and Liz's assistant is blinded by a high-tech control panel while snapping photos of the advanced technology. His condition requires the help of an absolutely terrifying robot physician. This female doctor boasts needles on the end of her fingers, has dead white eyes, wears horrific blue lipstick and speaks with a grating, metallic voice. Apparently, the Medusans have never heard of a good bedside manner. (Her prototype must have been programmed by Nurse Ratched).

Using her "man finder" device (which - remember - hunts down scent...), Octavia tracks Adam and Shem to the castle and decides to re-capture them by firing a Medusan device called a "nightmare cannon" at them. It is explained that this device "projects" a series of sonic sounds at the target to "disturb the hypothalamus" and cause visual hallucinations and nightmares. In the castle, Shem and Adam go nuts, seeing weird phantasms of Octavia and Fulvia. This sequence includes the worst special effects yet seen on the series, as the faces of the Medusan ladies are superimposed awkwardly over live footage in the castle (and at one point, inside the clanking armor of medieval knights).

While all this is going on, the English government finally sends a representative to the scene (the Minister for Interior Security). About time. You might think that advanced aliens armed with immobilizing stun guns, nightmare-cannons, Nemesis spaceships, and "man finders" might be a matter of interest and some import to the national government. But sure, take your time, Tony Blair. Heckuva job.

Medusan Factoids revealed in "Nightmare Cannon":

*Taking life is against the Medusan religion. (But scaring people with the nightmare cannon is apparently okay).

*According to Octavia, the English language can be learned by an "educated" Medusan in five minutes.

*Medusan proverb/quote: the male's fear of the female on Medusa is "the key to good government." (This is apparently also Hillary Clinton's motto. But I tease Hillary Clinton...)

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